Whoah its been months

It is almost the end of the year and my last post was beginning of the year. I hate to say that in between the last post and this one was sort of me in a nutshell that I could not say but was totally part of my history now. One of my friends posted a quotation which almost everybody knows, "The past is history, the future is a mystery, today is a gift that's why we call it present", and that is where my anxiety begins. I wanted my past to be my present but at the same time I am also grateful with my present. Confusing? yes! I do not really think about much of the future except for bill deadlines or if finally I will get that coveted vacation, but no matter how much i look at it is very blurry.

I wanted to thrive, make a difference, be who I was again but I don't know what is holding me back. I wanted to go to somewhere else that I do not know where.

my randomness

I just want to post something, something that I will ponder upon months or years from now. I guess this prevents me from killing who I really am, more of like holding on to myself that I am starting to leave behind. I know that this, what I am doing were all behind me now and its haunting me. And still I'm reaching out to it.

I feel so weird, balancing my checkbook and life, it feels all surreal, and I keep telling myself to wake up. I guess I have read too much of my friend's blogs that is why I feel insecure from their accomplishments and confidence, freedom that I used to enjoy. My life just turned around and I miss the freedom.

But even though I feel all these anxiety, frustration, insecurity; I thank the Lord for His kindness and love that he continuously give me that spiritual "high" and everytime I thnk about it I smile at life and look forward to it. :D

Random thoughts

Empty, I never thought that I would be reduced again in this kind of state