I walk endlessly down the shore, the sea mocking
my conscience. I hear the waves whispering its
verdict that I am wrong, further crushing the
guilt embedded in my soul. I cannot cry no more
for the sorrow I feel is too profound, too deep.
I look up and see the scattered clouds partially
dim the littered stars, tormenting the knowledge
that I could never have again the love that I had
and lost. I see the crescent moon staring down at
me with pity, reminding of the warm and gentle
smile on the face I know I could not find in
anyone anymore. I turn my face away from that
harsh reality, only to be greeted by a cold
breeze that seemed like a blow to my already
bruised self. Shivering, I pull my jacket tighter
around me, forming a barricade that would keep me
from the numbing agony creeping through my entire
being. In the battle between the conscience and
the heart, I fear that it was I who gave the
victory over to conscience. And now I must bear
the guilt brought by my actions. I have come to
accept that destiny for I know that it is what I
deserve for hurting the one being that matters to
me most.
Hollow. Yes, this is what I am and what I will be
for the rest of my life. For I am void of the
love that was in the palm of my hands and now
gone, because I let it slip from my fingers.
I continue my pace and with every step, I feel
the sand sink beneath my feet, filling the spaces
between my toes. I know I leave my footprints
behind, only to be washed away by the sea. I
shall never look back . . .
I hear footsteps muffled by the shingles, slowly
coming towards me. Stop. Even though I could not
see him, I know he is there. His very presence
emits an aura that reaches me and touches the
fathomless cave within me, igniting warmth
throughout this body. My steps faltered to a
stop. I slowly raise my eyes to focus on the
figure standing a few yards away from me. My
breath caught, I tried to swallow the lump in my
throat but it felt like it was paralyzed. My
pulse quickened its pace against my will. The
sandals dangling from my fingers slowly slipped
their way down to land beside my feet.
His white shirt is a stark contrast against the
black velvety sky and once more, his beauty
astonishes me. And just looking at him only added
to the throbbing pain inside me, the agony of
losing the exquisite creature that was once mine.
My eyes cannot meet his face for I already know
what I will find there-hatred, scorn, and
disgust. And I am filled with shame. I stand
there, my gaze riveted to the ground, not daring
to look up for if I do, if I see into his eyes,
it would shatter me to pieces. And then it all
comes back to me. I can still remember that
night, in this beach. This beach that was witness
to our first kiss, that heeded to our whispers of
love as we declared souls to each other. It was a
night filled with promises of a lifetime
together. Our promise that was sealed with the
kiss of life and the cry of the ocean.
Look at me, his mind silently tells me, please
just look at me.
I take in shattered breaths, gathering all the
strength I need, uttering a silent prayer to God.
I level my gaze to his and his eyes find mine and
for a moment, time seemed to stop. There were no
words, no actions, only the existence of two
minds, two hearts.
I cannot find disdain or contempt on his
beautiful face but only questions . . .and hope.
He is hoping that I still remember the promise,
hoping for my love, for a thousand lifetimes
together. I search deep into his eyes and what I
find there completely seizes my heart and batters
my soul. All my restraint broke and my knees gave
way. I collapse into a heap on my knees on the
cool glittering sand, his gaze never leaving
mine. I break down, helpless tears streaming down
my cheeks. I bury my face in my hands, the jacket
forgotten as I unconsciously loosen my grip and
let it out of my hands, granting it the freedom
as it flew with the wind.
A wrenched cry of tormented anguish tears from my
chest as the realization strikes me. His eyes
tell me that he is floundering in a depth of
misery that exceeded even my own. My hands itch
to touch his face, to soothe him into a dull
peace for both of us. To tell him that everything
is alright. But I cannot. An invisible barrier
stands between us, keeping me paralyzed and
unable to cross the small distance to get to his
welcoming arms and be with him.
I need to know . . . please just tell me, he
silently begs.
And right then and there, I know that I cannot
suffer enough to pay for the agony I have casted
upon this beautiful creature.
He is asking me, no, he is silently pleading with
me to know why.
I slowly shake my head, the tears flowing from my
eyes mingling with the salty air. The waves crash
mercilessly on the shore, taking with it my
sandals as it retreats back to the ocean. I do
not care anymore for I believe that the world has
already taken the most important thing from my
heart. I’ve got nothing more to lose.
He moves his head in a curt nod as if to accept
my decision and it is all I can do not to throw
up when I saw the disappointment written all over
his face.
He softens his eyes and his face was that of an
angel’s. A small nervous smile played across his
lips. I brace my palms on the sand, my stomach
turning over as I realize what he is asking of
me. It has been a long time since I heard him
speak and his deep strained voice played like
music through my ears:
"Will there still be a place for me in your
heart? Even the smallest space will do."
It is such a heartbreaking statement, his way of
asking me if I still love him. And there is no
denying it, the candle of my love for him still
burns bright and I know it will never fade. This
is what he is waiting to hear. I can feel the
tension in the air touching my skin and I shiver.
The silence seemed to stretch forever and I am
dying to tell him the truth, to finally hold him
close and have him eternally. But I hold back. It
is my conscience holding me back and I face him
as I breathed out in a strangled sob:
"I’m sorry. I can’t."
The hurt look on his face is the final blow, but
still his mind is communicating with mine,
telling me:
Your know you’re the only one. I gave you my love
and it’s yours forever.
And although we didn’t touch, I felt his love
pour through me like heat from the sun. I cannot
bear the sea torture we are flowing through and
so I tell him:
Please, don’t do this. You cannot love me
anymore. Don’t make it harder for both of us . . .
He threw me one last long look and there I saw
gleaming tears running down his face. I hear his
barely audible whisper then he was gone, leaving
me cold and desolate and as barren as the desert.
His goodbye still echoes through my heart.
