Whoah its been months

It is almost the end of the year and my last post was beginning of the year. I hate to say that in between the last post and this one was sort of me in a nutshell that I could not say but was totally part of my history now. One of my friends posted a quotation which almost everybody knows, "The past is history, the future is a mystery, today is a gift that's why we call it present", and that is where my anxiety begins. I wanted my past to be my present but at the same time I am also grateful with my present. Confusing? yes! I do not really think about much of the future except for bill deadlines or if finally I will get that coveted vacation, but no matter how much i look at it is very blurry.

I wanted to thrive, make a difference, be who I was again but I don't know what is holding me back. I wanted to go to somewhere else that I do not know where.

my randomness

I just want to post something, something that I will ponder upon months or years from now. I guess this prevents me from killing who I really am, more of like holding on to myself that I am starting to leave behind. I know that this, what I am doing were all behind me now and its haunting me. And still I'm reaching out to it.

I feel so weird, balancing my checkbook and life, it feels all surreal, and I keep telling myself to wake up. I guess I have read too much of my friend's blogs that is why I feel insecure from their accomplishments and confidence, freedom that I used to enjoy. My life just turned around and I miss the freedom.

But even though I feel all these anxiety, frustration, insecurity; I thank the Lord for His kindness and love that he continuously give me that spiritual "high" and everytime I thnk about it I smile at life and look forward to it. :D

Xmas 08

I saw that I wrote something about my christmas experience 3 years ago, it was quite sentimental but I could not recall what happened. Well, its been 3 months since I have been away from friends and family to seek better opportunities. I could not describe what I felt for the past week/holiday, it was a good thing that work keeps my mind pre-occupied so that loneliness does not sink in too much.

I have too many christmas memories with my family and friends that made feel so miserable but I tried to fight it because I know that Jesus is the sole reason for the season and I am very thankful that God continues to give me strength for all the trials that comes into my life. I thank Him for the experience and the experience I will encounter in the future.

Events are slowly unfolding before me and those events are the things that scare me, no matter how much I convince myself of my independence and stubbornness.*Sigh* guess i am weak afterall.

review/opinions: Diary of a young girl by anne frank

A long overdue book that I was supposed to read when I was still highschool however, am years delayed.

I envy how at her age talked about politics, human nature, discrimination, life and relationships with such honesty and wittiness. I think anyone can relate to her, her adolescence and maturity as she relates her views to the events that takes place during their hiding and things that goes on "outside" which she learns listening from the radio.

I just simply can relate to her feelings, the hardship of parent-child relationship, sibling rivalry and the longing for a friend amidst the chaos that goes in a person's life. How she struggled to keep pace with her education, handle conflicting relationships with other people and going through adolescence while forcing oneself to view life in matured manner.

It is also amazing how she fought fear and anxiety with laughter and wit. I wonder what other things she could have shared if she had survived the war; will she be able to fulfill her dreams?

She dreamt to become a journalist/writer, I also wished to become one when I was younger. It is very sad for me that it was not realized. However situation is different, she lived during war and I live in conflict.

I love it so much that i cant' resist posting it

Miriam is never afraid to raise her voice, challenge the bigshots, and raise a few eyebrows. “I eat death threats for breakfast,”

Her hate of fellow legislators is deep and would outlive her: “And when I die, I will rise from my grave and scare the wits out of them.”

When she was dropped from consideration for the position of Chief Justice, she was really mad: ”I am irate. I am foaming at the mouth. I’m homicidal. I’m suicidal. I’m humiliated, debased, degraded. And not only that, I feel like throwing up to be living my middle years in a country of this nature. I am nauseated.”

she was quoted as saying that a lot of the members of Congress are ”not even qualified to be there,” and “kahit sino pwede tumakbo — kahit sinong gago.”

she has commented the following about Americans in the Philippines: “The problem with Americans is that they are overpaid, oversexed, and over here.”

When she ran for President in ‘94, she had this to say about her opponents: “Many, if not all, of my presidential opponents are certifiable idiots.”

“Di ko pa nasampal lahat ng gusto kong sampalin”

In the last SONA: “para silang mga talakitok.”

“I wish we had a uniform… so at least the female component of Congress will not strut around like peacocks. It gives me a headache.”

Calls the congress as the ”land of the living dead" being composed of “dregs of humanity.”and states: “yung matatanda natutulog na sa Senado, kasi hindi na kaya“concluding that: “this is going to be a corrupt country until I die”

“all we need for a new national hero is for someone to go amok and gun down these 12 people” (referring to Senators)

considers uneducated Filipinos as “species of lower life forms.”

accuses the Chinese of inventing corruption “for all of human civilization”

once titled one of her speech: "“We Are Living in Billboard Hell”

on the PNP Moscow scam:
I shall defend my reputation to death…
I challenge any of you..Just lift a finger lift the phone..
Call your PR person.
Call your character assassins
And we shall see… an epic struggle!

"I lied! Har Har Har!"

"All of these is nothing, but a public entertainment!"

"I shall be honored to go to jail. Under a dictatorship, the detention cell is a place of honor."

Times have changed. It has already worn out its value

"i will fade into the night...like batman."

"I'd rather join the Miss Universe pageant where I have better chances of winning." - Miriam Defensor Santiago answering a query about her presidential plans (BID Commissioner palang ata siya nito)

"He should write his memoirs, especially his sex life which I heard is very active." - Miriam Santiago (referring to Pimentel)

"Verbal diarrhea" - Miriam Santiago (On Pimentel's flibustering)

"Fungus Faced" - Miriam Santiago (referring to a congressman)

"magpapabaril ako sa luneta.."

"The land of the living dead, a body full of oleaginous characters, where corruption is at its most paradigmatic" -Miriam Defensor describing the Philippine Senate in her book.

"I don't know if he is a cop or a robber, or both a cop and a robber." (on Senator Lacson)

"She has risen above nature and heredity." (on GMA) "

...I'll use direct methods, like poisoning their coffee..." (answering the question how she would deal with her colleagues in politics)

"I wonder how spiderman is like in bed having sex." -- Miriam Defensor Santiago interviewed on Wazzup Wazzup"

Noli de Castro, whose middle name is 'I' for 'Idiot'." --- Miriam Santiago

"Our politicians exhibit what I call the epidermis of pachyderms."

once receiving a death threat over the phone: "Di na uso ang death threaths ngayon. Di mo ba alam, weapons of mass destruction na ngayon, tanga!" - miriam santiago

What i have been waiting for

It has always been hard to figure out your purpose and the reason why you are here. I have always wondered what should i deserve the experiences that i had. But, little by little I am beginning to understand this life that was given to me

from Bob Ong

1. "Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya.."

2. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba."

3. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."

4. "Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."

5. "Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."

6. "Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo.. Dapat lumandi ka din."

7. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."

8. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."

9. "Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang."

10. "Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una."

11. "Hindi porke't madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa."

12. "Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang maganda o nakakalibog ito. Totong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman."

13. "Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority."

14. "Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw yung bida sa script na pinili nya."

15. "Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo."

16. “Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala.”

17. “Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohanan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan”

18. "Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"

19. "Pakawalan mo yung mga bagay na nakakasakit sa iyo kahit na pinasasaya ka nito. Wag mong hintayin ang araw na sakit na lang ang nararamdaman mo at iniwan ka na ng kasiyahan mo."

20. "Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang mga taong malalapit sa iyo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo."

21. "Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal...nakakatakot mahulog...at kapag nahulog ka, it's either by accident or talagang tanga ka.."

Box of Memories

Before I left, of course I went to see my friends and say goodbye, one of them gave me an empty box. I already knew what she meant by giving me an empty box. It's just right now, I'm totally grasping what it meant. I haven't put anything on that box except for my flash drive. But that flash drive contains all my past memories and right now it's so hard that I'm realizing that my friend meant that I should continue to create memories painful or happy, without them anymore, to fill it up with memories of new people and places.

Before, I have been very busy after we went our separate ways although we try to see each other from time to time. But right now, it's impossible. My friends, they were my greatest memory, I can feel the pain that i have ignored for a long time. It's so hard that things can no longer be the same. I guess life is really this way. It just have to contibue to move..
I miss them so much. I do wish that I could fill it up, just like they wished it to be and i hope they could fill theirs too and we could all someday share it together.